


To Have a Choice

by Nigaki



Series: Wild and Soft [9]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Alpha Arthur Morgan, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Discussion of Abortion, Fainting, Fluff and Angst, Hosea is a good dad, Kissing, M/M, Morning Sickness, Omega John Marston, Pre-Canon, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25336042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nigaki/pseuds/Nigaki
Summary: John has been sick for a week and he's scared of the most possible reason for it.
Relationships: John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Series: Wild and Soft [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687138
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

John tried really hard not to make a sound when he was heaving over a bucket, his stomach turning on itself. He already puked everything he ate in the evening, now all he had to give was acid that burned his throat and was leaving a sour taste in his mouth.

He was shaking, his body covered with cold sweat, mind tired after being woken up in the middle of the night. He almost passed out with his face in the bucket where a pulp made of half-digested meat, cheese and bread was laying. He was getting sick just from looking at it. 

Another wave of nauseous hit him and he wasn’t able to keep it quiet this time. Nothing came out, only saliva mixed with some acid dangled from his open lips when he coughed and coughed, trying to puke something that wasn’t there, maybe just his own intestines.

It stopped abruptly but his stomach was still clenching painfully, threatening him with another puking. 

Panting, John bowed his head and rested it against his arm propped on the nearby table once he was sure he wasn’t going to throw up again. He was barely conscious, slumped on his knees, not even being able to stand. And it wasn’t the first time either.

He was so goddamn tired.

It hit him again, just a couple of seconds after it stopped, not even a minute. He grabbed the bucket for dear life and almost put his head inside to silence his coughing when nothing came out again. It was still going when he felt gentle hands grabbing his hair out of the way so it didn’t end up in his mouth or dipped in what he already threw up.

John puked again, the smell of vomit so strong it was almost knocking him out, especially because he practically put his nose in it to be quiet. No need for that anymore though. He pulled his head up and took a few calming breaths, focusing on a soft touch on his back rather than on his stomach or the reek of vomit that filled the whole tent. It seemed to be over but he could never be sure.

“John?”

John swallowed, almost puking again when he felt that awful taste in his mouth. “Sorry for waking you up,” he said, resting his head on the arm again.

“It’s okay,” Arthur assured him, still holding John’s hair, he brushed some wet locks from his sweaty forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“Like a horse stomped on me,” he groaned and closed his eyes till he could rest.

Arthur sat next to him, holding him and stroking his trembling body, giving as much comfort as he could. It helped, not much, John still felt like his stomach was dancing the Kankan but it was more barrable with Arthur beside him.

Carefully to not upset his stomach again, John leaned against Arthur’s back, sitting tiredly between his legs. Arthur wrapped his arms around him, putting one hand on John’s stomach and stroking it gently to help with the nauseous. John let out a deep, quivering breath and sank into him, Arthur’s sole want to help was enough to make him feel better. He almost cried because of how good it felt to be in his arms and have his tummy touched. 

Arthur kissed his damp hair and rested his forehead against the back of John’s head. “It’s one week already,” he whispered. The camp was awfully quiet again, only some cicadas were making noises. 

“I know,” John sighed, tensing in Arthur’s embrace, knowing already what would come next.

“We should take you to a doctor.”

They agreed to that on the second day since John threw up for the first time, when he was still sure it was nothing.

“Don’t want to.” I’m scared, went untold.

Arthur hugged him tighter, mind of not squeezing John’s stomach. “John…” He heard Arthur swallowing. “This goes for too long to be a food poisoning.”

“I know.” He knew and he was scared of what he’d hear if he went to get examined. He shifted in Arthur’s hold and looked at him with fear, seeing in his mate’s gaze the mirror reflection of what he was feeling himself. “I can’t be pregnant, Arthur.”

That would be the end of everything. He was only twenty, barely going into twenty one, he wasn’t ready for a child, for such responsibility. For giving up nine months of his life and then even more years just to rise and care for another human being. Omegas younger than him were becoming parents everyday but he didn’t even want that. He never wanted a child before and he definitely didn’t want it now. The gang was no place to have a child anyway.

The gang… Dutch. They promised him that would never happen.

“You can,” Arthur murmured into his hair. “You’re an omega…”

“I’m not talking about this, of course I can get pregnant,” John interrupted him, noticing his breaths became faster. “I’m talking about Dutch killing us if we tell him.”

While Dutch accepted the bond between them, because in the end, despite Hosea’s warning, it didn’t change anything, there was no way he would accept a child. That would not only make him feel like Arthur and John betrayed him again, went against him, it would turn upside down the whole gang. Their priorities would have to change, John wouldn’t be able to do any work and the gang would have to stay in one place for a while, which was out of question. They couldn’t just be in one place and rob people there for months, they’d be found eventually and if they’d stop, their money would end and they wouldn’t even have food to feed a pregnant omega.

And even after the birth it wouldn’t get any better. Small children are making a lot of noises, requiring a safe place, not life on the road and between degenerates. And John still wouldn’t be able to work because someone would have to take care of a newborn that needs to be breastfed. Dutch would never agree to losing one of his best gunmen for over a year and then to have a crying newborn in the camp.

And John had no intention of sitting on his ass for a year or more. He hated when he couldn’t help the gang, he already knew he would hate this. If Dutch would even let them stay in the gang after it’d turn out John was really pregnant.

“He won’t kill a pregnant omega,” Arthur said to him, a little bit too sure for John’s taste.

“We already betrayed him once,” he reminded his mate. He still remembered fury in Dutch’s eyes when he saw the mating mark on John’s neck.

“That wasn’t a betrayal.”

Of course it wasn’t, they mated because they were in love, not to purposely go against their leader.

“He saw it like that. Hosea said he didn’t but I know he did.” After that day, it took weeks for Dutch to start speaking to them again. Sometimes John could still see hurt in Dutch’s eyes whenever he was seeing him and Arthur being tender with each other. “He’ll see that as a betrayal too.”

No matter what Dutch would do, kill them, accept them, throw them from the gang, he’d be angry. John had no doubt about that.

Arthur grabbed his hand and squeezed it in comfort. “It’s not like it’s our fault.”

John chuckled quietly. “Kinda is.”

They should’ve expected that would happen eventually. They were knotting every heat and during most of the fertility periods. The brew John was always drinking after never failed before but that was bound to happen one day or another.

“We did everything we could to stop it. Were we supposed to sleep together only outside of your heats and fertility periods?”

“Ideally, yeah.”

Dutch would like that. He probably always had been worried that one day they’d get back from their rendez-vous and John would be heavy with a child, even if it was impossible just a few hours after the heat. 

They sat in silence for a while, both in their own minds but most likely worrying about the same thing – whatever it was really a pregnancy or something possibly worse. John didn’t want either and was still hoping he just got a very bad food poisoning. He had no idea why only he’d get one when everyone was eating the same food but maybe just him got the bad part of the meat.

The deer Javier shot during his last hunting wasn’t the best quality but Pearson threw it into the pot anyway. Maybe that was it. But if it was pregnancy… John shivered, Arthur held him tighter, thinking it’s another wave of nauseas. It wasn’t it, but the sudden tremble of his body certainly woke one. John could already feel the bile rising in his throat but he held it for now. He didn’t want to throw up again, it was exhausting. And disgusting.

“We’re going to the doctor tomorrow,” Arthur said in a stern voice. The kind of voice that was telling he won’t listen to any reasoning. “Even if it’s not pregnancy, you can be seriously sick.” Arthur nuzzled into his hair and released a quivering breath. Next words, whispered so quietly that even in silence like that John barely heard them, made his heart break a little. “I worry about you.”

“I’m sorry.” Ignoring the nausea, John turned, making Arthur shift as well and release him a little from his embrace. He nosed his alpha’s cheek, not wanting to kiss him when his mouth had a taste and smell of vomits.

His mate was suffering as well since vomiting started. Not as much as John, but his omega’s condition was constantly worrying him, and during most of the nights he wasn’t sleeping as well because despite John’s best efforts, he couldn’t always throw up silently and Arthur was waking up to make sure he didn’t pass out into his own puke.

They both wanted it to end. John hoped it’d tomorrow after a visit to the doctor he’d leave with some miraculous snake oil, laudanum or cocaine that could stop the puking. They were almost in the new century, doctors had to had better medicines. 

Arthur kissed him tenderly on the forehead and hugged him again. “Not your fault.”

John knew that but he still felt guilty for worrying his mate.

“Let’s wait another day,” he asked, already feeling Arthur protesting. He should go to the doctor as fast as possible but he was really scared of what he might hear there. “Maybe it really is just a very bad food poisoning and we’ll laugh later.”

He tried to lighten the mood but he knew he failed. He was too worried himself to laugh, there was nothing funny about this situation. Not to mention he feared that if he laughed, he would just puke all over himself.

Arthur didn’t agree right away but he also didn’t protest so he was considering, which was good. John waited for his answer, focusing on controlling his stomach that was starting to dance the Kankan again.

“Okay,’ Arthur agreed after a while. “We’ll wait one more day.”

“Thank you.”

Arthur nodded against him and kissed his damp neck. “Want me to bring you some water?”

“If it’s not a problem.” Water sounded good.

“No trouble at all.”

Arthur let go of him and stood carefully, checking if John wasn’t going to fell on his side or back. John wanted to, though. He became dizzy and with a groan, he reached for the bucket, bringing it between his spread legs and already bowing his head. He was feeling like his whole stomach was trying to crawl up his throat.

“I think I’m going to throw up again,” he warned but his words sounded funny, his tongue already moving out of the way of the vomits.

Arthur was by his side immediately, holding his hair again.

“I’ll stay then.”

John wanted to answer but all that left his mouth was a hurling sound and then a couple of coughs. He could already feel the acid at the back of his throat.

“No, go.” He waved his hand blindly and slapped Arthur on the arm. “I don’t want you to look at me like that.”

John looked disgusting like this, all sweaty, smelling of vomit and still throwing up. It wasn’t a pretty picture and he didn’t like whenever Arthur had to see him in such shape. It was kind of humiliating.

His alpha didn’t move.

“I saw you in a worse shape,” Arthur told him, holding his hair through another empty vomiting. “I had hands in your body and I’m not talking about fingering you.”

John would have laughed if he wasn’t busy not dying.

“Even so, go for the water,” he asked. It wasn’t over yet and he was already so thirsty. “When I’m done I’m going to need it.”

It convinced Arthur.

“Sure.” The alpha got up again but came back shortly after, gathering John’s hair in his hands. “Since I’ll be gone…”

“What are you doing?”

He could feel Arthur doing something with the wet locks but he had no idea what that was. Until the alpha took back his hands but the hair didn’t return to fall around John’s face again.

“Tying your greasy hair,” Arthur answered, a smirk hearable in his voice. He nudged the small pony tail at the back of John’s head. Few strands of hair feel out of it, whatever Arthur used couldn’t hold them, but it was better than before when his hair was constantly getting in the way.

“You’re the best alpha,” John decided with a smile and groaned before puking into the bucket. Another dose of acid burned his throat.

Arthur placed his hand on John’s back and rubbed it softly till John was done. “Not the best but I try. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Okay,” John panted and groaned again, mostly out of disgust. “I’ll be waiting. If I’m not here, just follow the sound of throwing up.”

Arthur wasn’t gone long, just a minute. John wasn’t done by then but it only took around ten more minutes before his stomach decided he had enough and settled. John took a few careful sips of the water and waited another half an hour before he allowed Arthur to help him stand and get back to their bed. He drank the rest of the water and with Arthur curled around him, he fell asleep the moment he closed his eyes, both of their hands holding John’s belly.

He was feeling better when he woke up in the morning. He was still tired but at least he didn’t want to throw up. That was strange about all of this, he was mostly puking his guts out only at night. He felt nauseous during the day but never to the point of throwing up. It was almost like everything was building inside him to then release it at night. He was sick of it.

Arthur wasn’t in bed with him, probably because it wasn’t an early morning and he just let John sleep a little longer after he woke up. John was grateful for that, he’d gladly welcome a few more hours of sleep but no matter how long he laid with closed eyes in bed he couldn’t fall asleep. Mostly because of his rumbling stomach.

He was hungry, he was barely eating anything since he got sick but that’s because he couldn’t keep it down most of the time. And for some reason everything tasted bad, even things he liked. Acid from his stomach probably burned his mouth to the point he wasn’t enjoying food anymore. He wondered if that would last. Hopefully not.

After yawning and rubbing his sleepy eyes a couple of times, John got up from the bed but hesitated before going out. He most likely still looked terrible, he smelled like that too.

John walked towards the chair where Arthur’s satchel was hanged on the back of it. He dig through it till he found a small bag full of green, very strong smelling leaves. Mint. He popped two into his mouth and chew for a while to get rid of that horrible taste in his mouth and sat down by the table where a bowl with water and a mirror were standing. John used the water to wash some of his body, face and slick back his messy hair after he untied it. After he was done, he looked into the mirror and cringed.

He still looked awful, with dark circles under his bloody eyes, pale face and with tiredness written all over it and thinner than it was supposed to be. He already lost so much weight and it was showing on his face. His cheeks were slightly hollowed, one more week like that and he’d look like a skeleton with a skin just messily draped over the bones. John was never the most beautiful person on Earth but now it was even worse. He was wondering how Arthur could still look at him and not turn his gaze right away.

Now matter how horrible he looked, he couldn’t do anything about it now so he just left the tent, hoping that nobody would notice he was sick. He doubted that but so far nobody knew, he was hiding it, not wanting to worry everyone like he was already worrying Arthur.

His mate was by the fire, most likely already after breakfast. John looked towards Pearson’s wagon where the table was set like every morning so everybody could grab something small to eat. There was still a lot left, cans, fresh fruits bought yesterday when Mac and Davey went to get supplies, bread, some cheese.

Everything looked delicious and John wanted nothing more but to eat it all of it but just the thought of putting any food in his mouth made him sick. He turned his gaze and walked slowly towards Arthur who smiled when he saw John.

“Hey,” he said and reached a hand towards John. When John grabbed it, alpha tugged him gently and sat him down next to him, kissing the top of his palm. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” John answered and yawned. “Still tired tho.”

“I bet.” Arthur wrapped an arm around him and rubbed his arm. John purred and leaned against him, feeling sleepy again. Maybe he could fall asleep like that. “You eat something yet?”

“No,” he murmured, nuzzling closer to his mate. “Don’t want to.”

“You need to eat.”

“I’ll just throw it up.”

Eating and puking it after would be just wasting good food. He could survive just with water for a few more days. Those nauseas would have to end someday, probably pretty soon. It was a week already.

“You should at least try,” Arthur tried to convince him.

“I don’t want to,” John repeated, feeling the spark of irritation igniting within himself. He wished he could eat like everyone else, enjoy the food like usual.

“You already eat less than you should.”

“Because I can’t keep it down,” he hissed and moved away from Arthur’s hug, tempted to even go back to their tent.

“You can’t go without food.” Arthur was just worried but John was angry at him for trying to force him when John already told him he wouldn’t eat. What was so hard to understand about that?

“If I could eat, I would.”

It’s not like he liked being hungry. He was starving most of his childhood and it was one of the worst sensation he ever felt, right after suffocating because some peasants couldn’t even hang a person right and break his neck with the fall. He never thought he’d have to be that hungry ever again after Dutch and Hosea took him in. He thought his days of starvation were past him. Yet here he was but it was even worse now, because he had the food to eat but it was his body that was betraying him.

“You haven’t even tried.”

“I tried yesterday.” He had a full meal and had to get out of the camp to throw it up shortly after. Today would be no different

“Maybe today will be different.” Arthur laid a hand on his knee, John gritted his teeth. “I’ll bring you something.”

“Arthur, just leave it!” he snapped, turning to Arthur with anger. Arthur backed away instantly, watching John with surprise. John didn’t want to yell at him but forcing him to eat when he wanted to and just couldn’t wasn’t going to help. If anything, talking about it was only making him more angry about the whole situation. He wanted to eat, he really did, he was so hungry but nothing tasted like always anymore and he didn’t want to be sick again.

John hung his head frustrated, hating everything more with each passing day. He wanted it all to stop already, to get back to normal, was he asking for that much? He didn’t want to be hungry, tired and throw up every night, he didn’t want to worry Arthur anymore or snap at him for caring, he didn't want to be so weak all the time.

He didn’t want to be scared about what was causing all of this.

“Just leave it,” he repeated weekly, guilty already for attacking Arthur for no reason, even though his mate should’ve stopped when John told him ‘no’ the first time. Still, John couldn’t blame him for being worried, he was worried himself. Worried that it was some sickness there was no cure for, that it’d never stop. That he was pregnant, which was the most plausible explanation and the possibility of Dutch or someone else seeing him throwing up and connecting the dots was scaring him.

Arthur didn’t try to convince him anymore. Keeping some distance between them he just got back to sitting there and John did the same, barely being able to stand his mate’s presence when there was so much coldness coming out from him right now, so much different from the warmth he felt last night when Arthur stayed by John’s side till he could fall asleep again.

John refused to go. Despite the coldness, he wanted to stay by Arthur’s side. He felt calmer that way and since he was constantly nervous these days, it was helping a lot.

Arthur pulled a smoke from his jeans pocket at some point. He didn’t offer John any, John didn’t ask even though he’d like to smoke right now. It had been a long time since he last smoked, he just didn’t have the need, even now he didn’t want to smoke but he wanted to soothe his nerves with a cigarette or two.

John envied his mate for a second or two before the smell hit him. He huffed and watched the gray smoke flowing towards him slowly. He was never bothered by it, he loved the smell of tobacco, and the taste too, especially on Arthur’s tongue whenever they kissed after smoking. But right now, he couldn’t stand it. It was too strong, too suffocating and after smelling it for a while, it was making him gag like he just ate… anything really. These days everything was making him sick. 

He tried to ignore the smell and how it was making him feel but he couldn’t. It kept making him sick and he was afraid that it’d make him throw up eventually.

“Can you throw it away?” he asked Arthur, quietly. There was still coldness around his mate and John didn’t want to make him even more resentful.

Arthur looked at him surprised, his smoke dangling from his slightly parted lips.

“Throw what?” alpha murmured.

“The cigarette,” John explained and huffed again to get rid of the smell from his nostrils. It didn’t help, the smoke was everywhere, curling around John’s head like it was mocking him. He waved his hand in front of his face to fan it away. “The smell is making me sick.”

It didn’t happen yesterday, what the hell was wrong with his body? This couldn’t be pregnancy. Not that he knew a lot about it, he never talked with a pregnant omega but he heard a lot about how omegas are glowing when they’re pregnant.

He didn’t feel like it, he felt like shit and he couldn’t understand why pregnancy would make a previously pleasant smell stink.

“The cigarette?” Arthur repeated, puzzled. John nodded and alpha took it from between his lips and stared at it. “You smoke.” 

John rolled his eyes.

“I know but I can’t stand the smell right now.” It was strange and didn’t make any sense but he wasn’t going to argue with his body that liked to torture him so much lately. “So can you throw it out? Or go smoke somewhere else?”

The second option was a reasonable one. Hell, John himself could just move and let Arthur enjoy a cigarette he was probably smoking to calm himself. He wouldn’t blame his mate if he’d told John to go away if he didn’t like the smell.

Instead, Arthur just did what John asked him too. The cigarette landed in the fire and smoke soon cleared, John could breathe freely again.

“Better?”

“Yeah, thank you.” He wasn’t expecting Arthur to do that for him.

“Since when does cigarette smoke bother you?” Arthur asked, still confused about this.

“Beat me if I know,” he answered, confused just as much as Arthur. “I can’t even eat food because it tastes different.”

“That’s why you don’t want to eat?” Arthur’s voice was filled with worry again.

“Yeah,” he admitted. He never told Arthur why he didn’t want to eat. Maybe he should’ve. “I don’t know why it’s like that.”

“And you can’t eat anything?” Arthur kept asking, no doubt thinking about how to make John eat again. John had to smile at his stubbornness, even if it was irritating.

“I guess?” He didn’t really try every food, he just didn’t have any appetite to begin with. “I mean the cheese tasted fine yesterday but I had to force myself to eat. Food just makes me sick.”

“You won’t get better if you won’t eat,” Arthur mentioned and reached his hand towards John, pushing a loose strand of now dry hair behind his ear.

“But I get worse when I eat,” John sighed. He didn’t want to start this argument again. “I am hungry, I just don’t want to make myself sick again. I feel fine now, if I eat, it’ll get worse again.”

“Just eat a little.”

John snorted, shaking his head.

“You’re one stubborn son of a bitch, you know that?” he asked his alpha, amused.

Arthur returned his smile and moved closer again, the coldness and the tension from before were almost non existing at this point.

“I just don’t want you to make yourself even sicker.”

John leaned towards him and discreetly kissed him on the lips.

“I know,” he whispered, purring when Arthur started it. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“It’s fine,” Arthur assured and kissed him again. “Shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“After all these years you should know by now it’s not a good idea to force me to something.”

Arthur chuckled. John purred louder when another small kiss landed on his lips. “And who is the stubborn one, huh?” he asked jokingly. Another kiss, this time longer, lingering. Arthur’s tongue slipped into John’s mouth for a moment. “You taste of mint.”

John smiled against his lips. “Had to get rid of the smell from last night,” he explained and granted Arthur another taste.

“The taste doesn’t bother you?”

“Surprisingly no. Nor the smell.”

“Until you’re okay again, we need to find new food for you to eat,” Arthur decided, nosing his mark on John’s neck. John was surprised when it awoke an arousal in him. After he started being sick he had no desire for that kind of intimacy. Maybe that would help him, he was always feeling great after an orgasm and Arthur knew how to deliver one. If John had any writing talent, he’d write a whole poem about those skillful fingers and tongue of his. “Maybe you could try eating meat with mint.”

John almost forgot they were talking about food. Probably because it didn’t make him sick for once.

“Normally I would say it wouldn’t hurt to try but it can hurt now.” John laughed at his own joke. “I’ll try to eat something later.”

Those words made Arthur feel some relief. He smiled and caressed John’s face with the tips of his fingers.

“I’m glad.”

“Care if I join, lovebirds?” Mac interrupted their little moment and sat down opposite to them. John tensed when he noticed a cigarette in alpha’s mouth. It didn’t take the smell long to reach John who gagged again. “I wanted to talk to you, alpha Morgan. You up for some robbery?”

Arthur either felt John tensing or remembered what cigarette was doing to him, because he looked unsure.

“Can we talk later?” he asked Mac. “John and I are kind of busy.”

“Yeah, I saw it,” the other alpha smirked knowingly. “I guess we can talk later.”

“Talk now,” John said and stood up, swaying slightly on his feet. The smoke was making him dizzy. Or maybe it was the lack of food. Arthur watched him worried. “I’ll go to our tent.”

“You sure?”

Arthur was already standing up too to follow him but John told him to sit back down. They weren’t doing anything that would lead to something more heated anyway. When Arthur would be done with talking to Mac about robbery, John would probably be ready to eat something and they could try with the mint. Right now he wanted to escape the smell of cigarettes.

“I’m sure, I’ll go and lay down. Come to me when you’re done.”

Walking away on unsteady feet, John heard Mac whistling and then talking.

“I feel almost bad for keeping you away.”

“Shut up, Callander.”

John wanted to smile at that but the dizziness increased. He wasn’t even feeling sick, everything was just spinning and it didn’t look like it was going to stop. Small black spots appeared in his line of views and he had trouble walking. Thank god their tent was close. Just a couple more steps and…

“John?” He tried to turn to the voice – Whose voice? Javier’s? Maybe – but the moment his head shifted, his sight turned upside down and John suddenly lost all his footing. Before his mind went blank and eyes saw only black like someone just turned off the sun, he felt himself falling face first into the ground and Javier’s voice again. “Shit, Arthur, quick!”

* * *

It was still bright outside when John regained consciousness. He blinked a couple of times, feeling something missing in his brain but he had no idea what it was, just that it should be there. He felt weird, like there was something wrong with his body but just like with his brain, he couldn’t put his finger to it.

John slowly moved his fingers and nothing seemed out of ordinary so he wasn’t worried that much. What he was worried about was how disoriented he was, he didn’t know where he was at first, only after a couple of seconds his mind recognized the tent and the softness of the bed he was laying on, wrapped in a blanket despite it being the middle of spring where the gang was staying.

He turned his head to the side, not really sure of his movement even though it was so easy and nothing happened. John’s eyes laid on Arthur sitting on the chair next to the bed. Alpha’s head was tossed back, his eyes closed and legs stretched in front of him. John’s nose felt as funny as the rest of his body but he felt the faint scent of worry surrounding his mate.

“Arthur,” he said in a hoarse voice. Arthur snapped his head towards him instantly and moved to the edge of the bed, grabbing John’s hand gently in his.

“Hey.” Arthur’s voice was full of relief. “You fainted.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” John tried to move to a sitting position but his movement was still weird. He was able to name it now. A newborn foal. He was sure that’s how they feel when they make their first steps. John felt like he was learning how to move again because his brain forgot. “What happened?”

“You don’t remember anything?”

“Just that I was out,” he said honestly. When he tried to remember anything else, he just felt empty and frustration was starting to raise in him. The memories were there, he knew they were but they were blocked by something and he couldn’t cross it. “And Javier.”

John had no idea why he remembered him or if he said anything before John passed out.

“Maybe you dreamed of him?” Arthur suggested, the corner of his lips going up slightly. “Should I be concerned?”

John chuckled. He was feeling better with every minute, when he tried sitting again, his movement was more steady and he succeeded this time. “I’m surprised you’re joking, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’ve seen it,” Arthur confirmed. He was still smiling like it was just another joke but John could see worry in his blue eyes. “You’re pale as one. You fainted outside of our tent, Javier called me and we put you inside,” he recalled what happened. John still couldn’t remember that but he trusted Arthur who brought John’s palm to his mouth and kissed it, looking his mate right into his eyes. “I was scared.”

John could only imagine what Arthur felt when he saw his omega on the ground, unmoving. He never wanted to feel that fear himself.

“I’m sorry.” John coaxed Arthur to get closer and when he did, he gently cupped Arthur’s face in his hands and kissed him to assure him he was fine. He wasn’t even laying to make the alpha feel better. “And I know it’s not my fault…”

“Kinda is, you stubborn son of a bitch,” Arthur teased him.

John chuckled under his breath. It probably was his fault. They should’ve gone to the doctor today instead of waiting one more day. He only fainted but it could’ve been worse. “I don’t like worrying you.”

“I know,” Arthur sighed, returning the gesture and holding John’s face. He kissed his omega one more time before sitting straighter again. His hand returned to holding John’s. “I don’t like to be worried either but nothing we can do about it till you go see a doctor.”

John nodded and took a deep breath, feeling scared again about going to the doctor and hearing the worst news. “At this point, I hope it’s pregnancy,” he confessed and swallowed hard. Arthur didn’t feel his trembling hand because his own was trembling as well. “At least it’s not lethal. Most of the time.”

He smiled, but it was a nervous smile, not reaching high.

“Yeah,” Arthur breathed out, unsure.

Pregnancy was better than some serious illness but it still wasn’t something they wanted to experience, especially John, since it’d be his body that would be changing. He and Arthur never even talked about children before and now they were probably standing in front of a possibility to have one and it was terrifying. They knew nothing about being parents.

And it wasn’t even the biggest problem, they could learn if they decided to keep the child. No, the biggest problem was the gang. Because unlike their bond, a child would really change everything.

“What are we going to do?” John asked with fear. “With Dutch? The whole gang?”

Dutch wouldn’t just calmly accept the child that would change so much in the gang and his relationship with John and Arthur. Others might have a problem with this as well. They could be thrown out for betraying Dutch again. But then a new problem would arise, probably just as bad. No matter what they’d do, they’d end up in a deep crap and they’d have to deal with this somehow. John didn’t know how they’d do that and that scared him the most. If he even survived the pregnancy in the first place. 

“Let’s worry about it later,” Arthur suggested, stroking the top of John’s palm. It was calming them both. “We know nothing yet, maybe it is food poisoning.”

“You believe that?”

He never really believed in that himself. Throwing up wasn’t the only clue suggesting the pregnancy. The fact that he hadn’t had two fertility periods after last heat could only mean one thing. He didn’t even notice it at first, it was easy to miss but when puking started and he tried to remember any fertility period, there was nothing.

Arthur shook his head. “No. Not really,” he admitted with a heavy sigh. “Susan was checking on you when we put you to bed. She said to take you to a doctor as soon as possible. She have enough of hearing you throwing up every night.”

“So they heard.” He was hoping they didn’t. That way they could still pretend nothing really happened. Not for long. Soon the pregnancy would start to show on him. They couldn’t hide it forever.

“No, I don’t think so. Susan heard for sure.”

So the worst person to know, the only one who had any idea about pregnancies. John wouldn’t be surprised if she suspected it already.

“I expected to wake up in a doctor’s office to be honest,” he admitted jokingly and yawned. Losing consciousness was no sleep, he felt as tired as before he fainted, too tired to worry about how to tell Dutch if it turns out to be a pregnancy. Arthur was right, they could deal with it later. For now they weren’t even sure John was pregnant.

“Susan wanted me to drive you with the wagon but I said no.”

“Because you promised we’ll do it tomorrow?”

“Because I was scared even the smallest bump on the road would kill you.”

John chuckled weakly. “I feel fine.”

“Do you?”

He couldn’t lie under such intense gaze. He didn’t like laying to Arthur anyway. “Well, maybe not the best shape I’ve ever been in. But not the worst either,” he decided and smiled again. “I won’t die, darling.”

Arthur leaned for another kiss but John didn’t let him go this time. He scooted over and made a space for Arthur to lay on.

“You better not,” Arthur murmured before another kiss that lasted way longer than they planned. When they separated after a minute or so, they were both out of breath. That was stupid to kiss like that, John felt dizzy again.

“So… tomorrow?” he asked to be sure.

“Yeah. In the morning,” his alpha confirmed, rubbing his arm in a slow motion.

John closed his eyes content and purred shortly. “Maybe later.”

“John…”

“If I throw up at night I’ll be half asleep again, might faint again.” he explained. After today, no matter how scared he was, he wasn’t going to avoid the doctor again. The visit was needed, especially if he was really pregnant. They needed to know for sure as early as they could. John wanted to be capable of taking care of himself and to travel safely if they’d have to leave the gang and find another place to live. And for him to give birth in. He shuddered at the thought of that.

“You need to eat before we go.”

“I’m hungry but I can’t keep anything in,” he reminded his mate.

“Want some water?” Arthur offered instead and got up. He only walked towards the table and picked up a tin mug filled with water to the brim.

“You’ve come prepared,” John teased before taking the first sip. His hands still trembled so Arthur held the mug to his lips.

“It was a little crowded with Susan and Hosea so I made myself useful,” Arthur explained with a smile.

John drank half of the water before he had enough and moved, licking his lips.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Arthur only sat down again, getting back to holding John’s hand. The sheer knowledge that they were touching was calming. “If I could I would take those nauseas on myself so you could sleep at least one night.”

A small smile appeared on John’s face when he heard that.

“Told you you’re the best alpha.”

Arthur smiled back and kissed him on the forehead. 

“Only what’s best for the best omega.”

They took the opportunity of the position they were in and kissed again.

“You have enough strength for flatter, good,” Dutch’s voice interrupted them and made them shy away with a blush on their faces. Dutch only smiled at them affectionately. “How are you feeling, John?”

“Better,” John answered, feeling a little tense with Dutch here. He had no reason too, the leader couldn’t sense the pregnancy but John was still scared he’d notice something. One look at Arthur told him his alpha was worried about that as well. “I’ll be okay, Dutch.”

“I hope so.” Dutch sat on the chair Arthur abandoned earlier. He watched John with worry. “Don’t want to lose my son to some sickness,” he admitted genuinely and then added in a lighter tone. “Or for you to infect the whole camp.”

“Arthur had the best chance to catch it and he’s fine so far,” John noticed and grinned at his mate.

“Yes, I saw that just a moment ago,” Dutch chuckled. “I’m glad you’re feeling better but you better go to the doctor, son.”

“I’ll take him there tomorrow,” Arthur promised and Dutch nodded satisfied.

“I’ll leave you, you looked like you were busy,” he teased them, which made them blush again. “Just don’t go too far.”

“Yes, Dutch.”

During all the years they were mated, they were constantly breaking Dutch’s rule about not having sex in the camp. They were sure he knew about a few times if not all of them but they were still pretending. It wasn’t something for others to hear anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

John stayed in bed for another hour. Arthur brought him some food to eat and John managed to fill his stomach a little and not upset it with some. He only ate a few pieces of an orange and slices of apple but that was enough for him to get back his strength or at least part of it.

Everyone was glad to see him back on his feet but they also joked about the whole situation. Whenever he stood up, they kept asking if they needed to catch him or carry him somewhere. Apart from Arthur, who got a big scare out of it, only Javier wasn’t amused. He saw John fainting and according to him, it looked like John just died right on his feet. For a few seconds when he didn’t know what exactly happened, he was scared they really lost John.

He ate something small before sleep as well, just some bread with a few slices of tomato. Some of it he threw up at night but the nauseas ended faster than last night and he slept through the rest of the night and didn’t wake up feeling that much sick.

He forced himself to eat again in the morning, once again just small portions, not a full meal. It seemed to do the trick, it didn’t upset his stomach like before and while he was feeling sick, he didn’t feel the need to throw up, especially after he drank some cold water. He should’ve eaten small from the beginning, it clearly worked. It wasn’t much but at least he was eating and keeping it down.

Arthur was happy about his mate eating again, even suggested eating like that more often during the day to compensate for the lack of big meals. John promised to try but as for the morning, he had enough. Food still tasted funny, not like it should but it was enjoyable again, especially fruits which taste changed the least.

After resting a little after breakfast, they prepared for the visit in town. Thank god the gang didn’t do anything yet to make the law to look for them there and they could ride into town without worry. Arthur wanted to take one of the wagons but John assured him he felt strong enough to ride horseback. He was worried that preparing Old Boy for the road would make him sick but he actually felt better after that and he and Arthur could ride off.

The town wasn’t big, just average and had only one doctor. They haven’t visited him before, they didn’t even know where they could find him so they had to ask a local for help. When they finally stopped in front of the small house, John became nervous. No turning back now, in a couple of minutes, they’d find out what was causing him to throw up every night for the last week.

He wanted to know but at the same time he was scared to know, to get his suspicion confirmed and his current life shattering to pieces.

Arthur hugged him briefly before entering. “It’ll be okay,” he told John and kissed him on the temple.

“No it won’t,” John said back. No matter the diagnosis, it wouldn’t be fine.

He felt sick because of all this nerves but he swallowed the bile and entered the doctor’s office, Arthur right behind him. There was a young alpha inside, John wasn’t expecting such a young doctor, he was probably freshly out of university or something. The doctor was sitting by the desk and writing something down but he raised his head and smiled at them when they entered.

“Hello,” he welcomed them warmly and stood up, getting from behind the desk to shake hands with Arthur and nod at John when he didn’t give him the hand to kiss it. “What can I do for you, Alpha, Omega?” 

Arthur looked at John, waiting for him to speak up. John swallowed a lump that formed in his throat and took a deep breath before telling what’s wrong.

“I, ah… I was feeling sick lately,” he started explaining. He put his hands on the gun belt to stop them from shaking. “I woke up at night to throw up and I fainted yesterday.”

Doctor listened closely and nodded.

“Let’s move to the office so I can do the examination,” the alpha suggested and pointed at the door. “This way, please.”

They moved to the other room full of cabinets with medications and different tools. Some of them looked horrifying and even though John knew the doctor wouldn’t use them on him, he was still eyeing them warry while laying down on a cold and uncomfortable table that stood near the wall, by the window. John could hear children playing outside and it sent a cold shiver down his spine that shook his whole body.

Scared, he looked at Arthur who lingered around the door, not getting in the way. He looked just as terrified. Either they leave from here with a death sentence or as soon to be parents. And both options were horrifying in their own way.

“So…” The doctor came closer and examined his face first for some reason. “You threw up and fainted yesterday. Any other symptoms?”

“Food tastes funny to me,” John admitted and opened his mouth when the doctor told him he wanted to look inside. He continued talking when his jaw was free again. “I can’t stand some smells either.”

The doctor hummed. “Any dizziness?”

“Sometimes.” He looked at Arthur again and the alpha understood immediately. His mate stepped closer and sent John a comforting smile. It didn’t help.

“I want to take a look at your stomach,” the doctor said. With trembling hands, John unbuttoned his shirt and uncovered his belly. He jumped when doctors touched it, he didn’t know why he reacted like that, the alpha’s hands weren’t even cold. “When was your last heat?”

“Over two months ago,” he answered and clenched his hands into fists when the doctor examined his stomach, probed at it, patted, poked. “I didn’t have fertility periods.”

The doctor didn’t say anything to that, just kept touching the belly. “A little hard to touch.”

“Is that good or bad?” Arthur said something finally, his voice dry.

“Depends what caused it, but in this case it’s normal,” he assured them with a smile and moved away from John. “Congratulation, your omega is pregnant.”

John heard ringing in his head and his face drained from all the blood. With hands in the middle of buttoning the shirt, he froze on the table and just stared up.

Pregnant. He was god damn pregnant! He knew it was most likely it and yet he hoped, wished it was something else. This wasn’t happening, this was some kind of nightmare, it couldn’t be real. They were always so careful.

“I was drinking brew to prevent this,” he choked up and sat up suddenly. Bad idea, dizziness hit him and almost knocked him back on the table. Arthur put his hand on his arm to steady him, probably to comfort him as well but the touch only burned John who was terrified. He couldn’t be pregnant, he just couldn’t!

The doctor turned back to them with another smile, like he wasn’t sensing what a bad news he just delivered to them.

“You look pretty young, how old are you? Eighteen?”

“Twenty.”

“Omegas between eighteen and twenty five are the most fertile,” the doctor explained to him. “You’re in your peak, brew is less effective then.”

How was he supposed to know that? Nobody ever told him about omega biology, if they knew, they would’ve never knotted during heats, they could’ve avoided it.

“Stop smiling, this isn’t some good news,” Arthur snapped at the doctor who quickly became serious again. “John?”

“I can’t be pregnant,” he said to his alpha. He was breathing too fast, he was going to suffocate. “I don’t want to be pregnant, shit! Dutch is going to kill us! And if not, what the hell are we going to do anyway? I can’t and I won’t raise a child!”

“I know, we’ll figure something out,” Arthur promised, hugging him closely. John hugged him back.

Pregnant. He had a child inside him. His child he didn’t even want. He didn’t want to become one of those house omegas, he was happy with his life as it was and his plans for the future didn’t involve taking care of a child that would be dependent on them for at least fifteen years. He wouldn’t probably survive that long with the life they were living anyway.

What was he even thinking about? That would only happen if Dutch wouldn’t skin them alive for this. Or if he didn’t die during birth or at any point along the way. Pregnancy was a risk. He could die, either alone or with the baby. Arthur would be left alone or to take care of an infant alone.

John shivered. He didn’t want that, his life changing so dramatically, not now. He wasn’t ready for a child, for sacrificing his own life or so many years of it for another human being. He wanted to live without worrying about taking care of a baby. He wanted to continue his life with no other responsibilities than those he had now. His life belonged solely to the gang, he was an outlaw not a parent and he was happy like that, he didn’t want a change that the baby would bring. He wanted to rob trains and stagecoaches, drink with his friends and go on hunting trips with Arthur, not feed and clean the baby all day for years.

Why did he have to become pregnant? Why now? Why not later when he’d maybe be more interested in becoming a parent than right now?

What were they going to do now? Tell Dutch, that’s for sure, he deserved to know, but what later? They couldn’t take care of the baby without gang’s help, they had nowhere to go or any work to earn money. John wouldn’t be able to work soon anyway. Even if they wanted this child, they wouldn’t be able to take care of it on their own. They just weren’t ready to be parents. The thought of taking a responsibility for something so helpless, something so fragile was terrifying. How two heartless outlaws were supposed to know how to be gentle? How to raise a child?

“Um…” Arthur and John released each other to look at the doctor who watched them nervously. “If this is really such bad news, perhaps stopping the pregnancy is something you would like to do.”

Stopping the pregnancy? Was it possible? They looked at each other with hope and then back at the doctor.

“Like an operation?” Arthur asked, already not liking the idea. John wasn’t fond of being cut open either.

“Goodness gracious, no,” the young alpha assured them quickly and walked to one of the cabinets. He crouched in front of it and opened the lowest shelve from which he took out a small jar with herbs on the bottom. “You’re about nine or ten weeks pregnant, I never used it this far in the pregnancy but it could still work.”

“But how would it work?” John asked eagerly. They still had the chance, Dutch wouldn’t even have to know John was ever pregnant. Nothing would have to change.

The doctor gave John the jar, there wasn’t much inside but it was clearly full one day.

“I bought those herbs from a local witch and she bought them from the Natives that lived here before they moved,” the doctors explained. “Well, the army moved them but that’s the other story. The Natives used those to end early pregnancy and they shared their knowledge with some people, one of them was the witch. She was an old omega, she died a couple of months ago.”

“We don’t want to listen to the whole history, mister” Arthur pointed out with a growl in his voice. “Just tell us what it does. And how safe it is.”

“Right.” The doctor cleared his throat. “It cause miscarriage, simple as that. If the child is still small it just goes with the blood but if it’s bigger, it can get stuck and cause the death of the omega. That’s why it should be given only to omegas in the early stage of the pregnancy. Even then there is a lot of blood and it’s quite risky. Someone will have to be with him after he drinks it”

John wasn’t expecting anything else from something like that. Sometimes he was thinking that the whole universe had something against omegas being able to decide when they wanted to be pregnant.

“And I’m not too late?” If he had gone to the doctor right away instead of waiting a week, maybe it would’ve been safer now.

“Like I said, I never gave it to the omega nine weeks pregnant, didn’t want to risk it. But everything should be okay.”

“Should be okay,” Arthur repeated sarcastically. “It’s his life you’re talking about.”

“I can’t be sure,” the doctor explained again. “But that’s the only option, I don’t know any other if there is any. People at university don’t exactly teach how to stop pregnancy, those are religious people, aborting children is against God. And illegal.”

“Then why are you giving me this?” John asked suspiciously.

The doctor looked at him with a genuine compassion.

“I saw too many omegas not wanting a child but being forced to have it by their families to just let them suffer,” the doctor admitted. “That’s the last batch I have. I don’t know what those herbs are so I can’t make more. I’m sure there are places you can find right mixtures but you won’t find it at the doctors. So don’t lose it. And drink it as fast as you can.”

John decided to trust him. Not that he had any other choice, unless he wanted to stay pregnant and get kicked out of the gang.

“Thank you,” Arthur said for both of them. He looked briefly at John and smiled at him hopefully. “How much?”

“Three for the examination and five for the herbs.” Arthur paid the man and John finished buttoning his shirt, trying desperately not to look at his belly that was slightly round, more than it ever was. How could he not notice? “Good luck to you two.”

This time John thanked him. Without those herbs that Arthur put in his satchel, John would’ve been panicking right now. This doctor saved their lives, literally.

They said goodbye to him and left the office, mounting their horses right away.

“I don’t want to get back to camp,” John said to Arthur. “We won’t be able to hide my bleeding from anyone.”

“We can stay here,” Arthur suggested and nodded at the hotel. “Or somewhere in the wilderness.”

Going through bleeding in bed seemed to be the best option but John wasn’t sure he wouldn’t scream through it and that would bring attention to them. On the other hand, wild animals could get interested in the blood in the wilderness. And in town they’d be closer to the doctor in case something would go wrong.

“Let’s stay at the hotel,” he decided. “It’ll be safer. We‘ll need clean water anyway.”

“Go rent a room then,” Arthur told him, moving his horse in the opposite direction. “I’ll tell Dutch we’re staying here for the night.”

John nodded and they went their separate ways. He rented a room and while he was there, he also rented a bath for now. He felt filthy after a week of sweating like a pig.

His bath was ready in fifteen minutes and he went to take it, grabbing a set of clean clothes from his horse. The warm water helped him relax, he was still shaken after getting the news. He wasn’t happy with the pregnancy but it was still better than being seriously sick, especially now, when he knew how to stop it. He could still set it right and in such a simple way too. Bless Native omegas for knowing their way around herbs.

John was still nervous, mostly because of the chance of him still dying anyway. But he’d rather risk it now than wait a few more months and die during birth. It wasn’t ideal but at least now he had any control over it, it was his choice, not his body.

He spent at least twenty minutes just sitting in the bath before cleaning himself. He wasn’t in a hurry, he still had time before Arthur would return, it’s not like his alpha wouldn’t be able to find him anyway.

When he was clean and putting clean clothes on himself, John noticed his reflection in the tall mirror in the corner. The roundness of his belly was visible but not much, it could’ve been easily taken as caused by eating well. He touched it gently, it didn’t feel different or strange, just normal, like a skin and belly should. John couldn’t believe there was a baby inside, another life growing in him just like that. It seemed so unbelievable, like it wasn’t even real. He didn’t even feel pregnant. Then again, he wouldn’t even know how it was supposed to feel.

And he wasn’t going to find out now. Maybe in a couple of years, maybe never at all. After tonight he wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore. This round belly that now contained his child wouldn’t be there in the morning and John hoped it would stay like that for a while. He wasn’t ready to be a daddy.

John turned away from the mirror and finished dressing. He returned to his room and waited at Arthur there. His alpha came back ten minutes later.

“Told Dutch we won’t be home for a couple of days,” he said to John while sitting down next to him on the bed. “He asked me what’s wrong with you, I said it’s food poisoning and the doctor needs to keep an eye on you.”

“He didn’t suspect anything?”

“No, he just said to tell you he wishes you a quick recovery. Same with the others.”

“Hopefully it will end tonight,” he sighed and smiled nervously at his mate. “You think it will work?”

“Don’t know, never heard of them herbs,” Arthur admitted and pulled the jar from his satchel. “But the doctor sounded honest.”

“Yeah, I don’t think he wants to poison me,” John chuckled and took the jar from Arthur. “I mean, if he wants me to give birth, I don’t think he would give me something that could kill me instead.”

“I hope it won’t be as bad as he described it,” Arthur admitted, grabbing John’s free hand. “Don’t want to lose you.”

“And I don’t want to die.” John rested his head on Arthur’s. “I could either bleed to death or be fine. Just like I can either die during birth or be fine. No matter what I chose it’ll still be a risk.”

“I know.” Arthur smelled of fear and John wished he could do something to sooth him but he could only purr. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you and the moment you start bleeding too much I’m calling a doctor here, don’t care if he’s asleep or in the middle of an operation.”

Thankfully the doctor’s office was near.

Still purring, John nuzzled into his mate. “I’ll be okay,” he promised. “In a few days we’ll come back to the camp and no one will even know we were close to being kicked out. Or killed.”

“I still don’t think Dutch would kill us for this,” Arthur said, amused.

“Which doesn’t change that it won't be fun to tell him.”

Arthur let out a chuckle. “True,” he sighed, starting purring himself. They were still sitting close, offering each other comfort. “You think he’d be happy if we’d ever decide to have a child?”

“After he’d calm down, sure,” John answered. “He’s happy with us being mates. It still hurts him we went against his rules but he’s happy. He’d be happy about that too. He’s our father, he loves us.”

“Maybe he would visit us sometimes.”

“I thought about that too,” John admitted with a smile and turned his head to kiss his mate. “Maybe one day, but not now.”

“Not now,” Arthur agreed, smiling against John’s lips. “Want to go with me and buy some food? You should eat again. And then sleep probably. You need your strength for the night.”

John purred lauder and kissed the alpha again, biting his lower lip teasingly. “You sound like you’re promising something involving what caused all this mess,” he laughed quietly. “Not warning me about the night of worry about bleeding to death.”

Arthur chuckled. “No more knotting during heat or fertility periods,” he decided. “If those herbs don't work when you’re most fertile, we better not risk it again.”

“I agree,” John responded and pouted. “Shame. Knotting during the heat is amazing. Guess we would have to dust off that toy you bought me for seventeen birthday.”

It was just a wooden toy they liked to play with sometimes when they were in the mood. It wasn’t as good as Arthur’s cock but it was great for warming up for the main attraction.

“Guess so.” With a playful smile, Arthur pushed him onto bed and kissed breathlessly.

John eagerly returned the kiss, wrapping his arms and legs around his alpha, still gripping the herbs in one hand. He’d miss that kind of intimacy if he stayed pregnant.

They kissed for a few minutes before they left the room to buy some food for later. Herbs were left in the room, right in the middle of the bed. It was unlikely that they’d fall from the bedside table or from the dresser but John wasn’t going to risk it.

Arthur and John visited the saloon first. Arthur ordered a meal and shared it with John so he could eat something too without stuffing himself to the point of throwing up. He only felt slightly sick after but it was barrable. He was more bothered by the smell of smokes and alcohol.

The general store was next, where they picked up bread, beef jerky and some fruit, both fresh and canned. After settling their horses in the stable for the night, they returned to their room and John fell asleep for a few hours. He expected falling asleep to be harder when he was so nervous but he must’ve been really tired.

Arthur woke him up two hours before the sun setting. John ate again and they just waited after, trying to just act like always and nothing big was happening. The only sign showing that something big was coming, were bandages, a bowl of water and something for the pain that Arthur prepared on one of the bedside tables. Apart from that, everything looked normal, like they were just staying for the night after long travel.

The sun was still hovering over the horizon when Arthur called for boiling water to be brought to their room. John sat jumpy on the bed, his trembling hands playing with the closed jar. He really hoped it wasn’t too late for this or that his bleeding wouldn’t be too severe to survive it. He didn’t want that child but hell, he could give birth to it if he could be sure he would survive it and not the forced miscarriage. But he couldn’t know that so he had to risk it. He had no idea what was the bigger risk but hopefully it wasn’t this. 

The water was brought, Arthur gave a quarter to a girl that did it and then closed the door after her, locking it with the latch.

John moved the herbs to his cup and Arthur purred the hot water inside. It had a strong but pleasant smell, kind of minty but the leaves drifting on the surface were too small for a wild mint. Pennyroyal maybe? He wasn’t an expert with plants. 

“Well, bottoms up, Johnny,” Arthur said with a humor in his voice.

John chuckled and stirred the brew in the cup, looking at the leaves and twigs circling in the water. After he drink it, there would be no turning back and the child within him would be gone. Just like that. He wouldn’t be pregnant anymore.

This is what he wanted, he had no doubt about that. He wasn’t ready for a child, his life wasn’t suited for one, he was doing the right thing, he knew that.

And yet he was hesitating and instead of drinking the damn brew, he was just staring at it like it was going to assure him he should do it.

He should, he knew that but what if he comes to regret it? What if he feels guilty for the rest of his life? What if something would go wrong? If he wouldn’t be able to have children after that? If he loses his last chance? The brew was going to make him bleed internally, that could ruin his womb forever. He had no idea if the lack of desire for children would last equally that long, he was still young after all, many things could change. What if he later decides with Arthur to have a baby and he wouldn’t be able to get pregnant? Never. He would never experience the pregnancy. He would never be able to have his own child.

What if he was scared just now? What he was making a decision under extremely strong emotions and deep down he wanted for them to have children, he was just scared? Scared they wouldn’t make it, scared they’d have to leave the gang, scared that their child would hate them for raising it between degenerates and bandits. Scared that they’d be terrible fathers. 

What if Arthur didn’t want that and was going with it for John’s sake?

Was he really ready to make that decision? He knew he was. He could make it, he was thinking clearly. That’s why he was having doubts about it. He didn’t want that child right now, he didn’t want to risk his own life and leave Arthur alone if he dies during birth. But he didn’t want to regret his decision either.

He could survive the birth, he could still not want the child after and he wouldn’t have to wonder ‘what if’. There was also a possibility he would never regret his decision. But there was a chance that he would and he knew that if it happened, he’d regret this years after, even after giving birth to another child, even on his deathbed.

Both decisions were risky, he could die either way. But he’d rather risk dying and surviving without regret than going with the miscarriage and living in regret for the rest of his life. He wanted to have a chance to change his mind, the chance the brew was taking away.

He was wrong. He still had control over this.

Picking a different choice is still control. 

“John?”

He must’ve hesitated for longer than he thought. He raised his head and looked at Arthur before turning to the open balcony and throwing a cup with the brew through it and hiding his face in his hands.

Arthur shifted beside him, John heard a step and then the alpha was kneeling in front of him and taking John’s hands in his. John looked at him and saw a confusion in his eyes. But no anger.

“I can’t do it, Arthur,” he said weakly.

“Yeah, I figured that much.” Arthur smiled softly and squeezed his hand supportively. “But why? You seemed sure.”

“I thought I was,” he admitted, not ashamed of changing his mind so suddenly. “But I had a change of heart just now. I thought it through.”

“In a couple of seconds?” Arthur asked, surprised.

John chuckled. “I know it sounds stupid. I wanted to do it but hesitated and then everything I should’ve thought about before I decided to do this, came crashing on me all at once and I decided it wasn’t the best option after all,” he explained, hoping that Arthur would understand. “I mean, it’d end our problem right away and that would be great. But what if I come to regret it? What if the ninth month will come and I’ll feel... empty? Or what if this is my last chance to get pregnant and I’ll never conceive anymore because of them herbs?”

“It can happen because of giving birth too,” Arthur reminded him.

“But if I survive I’ll still have a child, it’s still a better option than not knowing for years if I can get pregnant again and risking a chance that I can’t,” he reasoned back and looked his mate deeply into his eyes. “What do you think? Should I end the pregnancy?”

Arthur stood up and sat next to him on a bed, looking through the open balcony with a smile. “Kinda late for that now.”

“We can buy new herbs, someone has to have them.”

Natives had to share their knowledge with other people in this town. Or someone had other ways to end pregnancy.

“Even if they have, I don’t think they share it with anybody who asks,” Arthur noticed, looking unsure, probably wondering if John made a right decision.

“We’ll threaten who we need to with a gun.”

Maybe no one would give them poison.

Arthur shook his head amused before he let out a long sigh. “It doesn’t matter what I think anyway.”

John watched him puzzled. “Of course it matters, you’re my mate,” he said, grabbing Arthur’s hand in his. The alpha looked at it and then at John’s face.

“But it’s your body.”

Sometimes Arthur’s biggest virtue was also his biggest flaw.

“I want to know what you think,” John explained carefully, bringing his other hand to Arthur’s face. And smiled. “We’re partners.” He turned his head to show the mark on his neck and touched its twin that was on Arthur’s neck. His alpha shivered at the contact. “I want us to decide about our life together. And mine belongs to you as much as yours belongs to me. It’s your child too,” he reminded the older man. “Do you want to? Have children, I mean.”

“No,” Arthur answered without hesitation. They were on the same page right now. “Not now, maybe one day if you want it too.” John smiled at Arthur’s uncertainty about it. “But living in the gang and having a child… That wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t want to raise a child in a life like that. I made my choice about this life, he or she won’t have the same choice. We’d have to leave the gang to raise a child and I don’t want to leave.”

“Me neither,” he agreed, placing his hands in his lap. It wouldn’t be fair to bring a child to this life.

“Do you want kids?” Arthur asked back.

John shook his head. “Not now,” he repeated Arthur’s words. “I don’t know if I’ll ever want them. Like you said, the gang is not the place for babies and I had no intention of leaving it right now.” The gang was thriving, leaving it right now would be just stupid, with or without a child on the way. “And I would be a terrible father,” he added with a sad smile.

Arthur started stroking John’s palm with his thumb.

“Why do you think so?”

“Come on, Arthur,” he laughed, slightly moving away from his mate. “I never really met my omega mother and my father… He cared, he was never as bad as yours but he cared even more about the bottle. I had no one to learn from how to be a father.”

And learning that with your own child would be just cruel. Maybe that’s why being a father was such a scary concept to him. Because he was scared of history repeating itself, especially if he wouldn’t be able to love his own child.

“I guess that would make me a terrible father too,” Arthur decided with a half shrug. “My father was a bastard who didn’t die fast enough. I never felt any love from him. But my mother was a sweetheart, at least I think so from things I remember.” His alpha smiled then, remembering his dear mother. “I wouldn’t know how to be a father either, no one taught me but I think we’d do okay.”

“Why?” John asked, surprised. He always expected Arthur to be the one to believe that their father’s blood would corrupt them eventually.

“Because we’re not our fathers,” he explained simply and brought John to one arm hug. “You’d be a great father, John. Not perfect, no father is but you don’t have to. And you could learn to be better. Nobody is born with knowledge how to take care of a child anyway.”

Touched by his mate’s words, John smiled and kissed him sweetly. Maybe in the future, those words would be the one to encourage him to be a father.

“Thanks, Arthur.”

Arthur purred shortly and pecked his lips one more time. “So what do you want to do?”

“I guess I’ll give birth.” It was hard to believe he was going to do something that he was so against just yesterday. “That way we can have a chance and the time to decide if we want to keep the baby.”

It was hard to tell what they’d decide but John wanted to have that choice and Arthur wanted that too.

“And then?”

“If we still don’t want the child, we give it away. I’m sure there is a nice couple somewhere that can’t have children of their own.”

Orphanage was out of question, he experienced firsthand what was happening in those places. Finding the right couple would be hard but they could do it.

“And if we keep the child…” Arthur nuzzled John’s cheek, giving comfort again when he felt him tensing at the thought of the orphanage. “We’ll make it work.”

“Yeah,” he breathed in relief. Everything was going to be okay as long as they worked together. “So we’re doing it?”

He wanted to hear it to be sure he wasn’t forcing Arthur into it.

Arthur looked him into the eyes and caressed his face with both of his hands. “We’re doing it.” John smiled at him and rushed forward to meet him in the middle for another kiss. They were both panting when they separated. “I like the idea of having more time to decide what we want to do. We probably shouldn’t have decided so quickly just because we’re scared of Dutch.”

“Yeah,” he said out of breath and watched Arthur nervously. “But we decide together, right? You’re not going to sacrifice your own happiness for me, are you?”

He would never forgive himself if Arthur decided he wanted to keep the child but never said anything and just let John give it away. They were in this together, it shouldn’t be just one man decision, not in a situation like that.

Arthur rested their foreheads together and moved one of his hands to the mark on John’s neck. John did the same. They could feel the bond that was tying them together for over four years now and it was still only growing stronger. It’s because of this bond John believed that they would be on the same page when the time to choose would come.

“Only if you won’t do the same for me.” John nodded without hesitation and Arthur connected their lips again. They both purred when they felt their bond flourish because of the display of affection between them, even if it was short. “But I’m sure we can work out any differences. If there we’ll be any.”

It made John happy that he wasn’t the only one believing in their bond. It wouldn’t make the problem go away on its own but it’d make them work to resolve it. Nothing else was needed.

They laid down on the bed to be more comfortable. It became dark in their room when the sun set and they didn’t bother to get up to lit up the lamp. They were fine with being in darkness, besides, it wasn’t that dark, some of the street light was entering through windows in a soft, orange glow. 

“So,” Arthur spoke up after a while. They were on their side, facing each other, and alpha’s hand was resting on John’s hip. “We’ll have to tell Dutch anyway.”

That was the only part of the plan John didn’t like.

“Yeah.”

John would gladly skip talking to Dutch but they had to tell him, he deserved to know just like about their bond, whatever he’d like it or not. But John wasn’t in a hurry to inform him, he was glad Arthur made sure they could be away from the gang for a while, that would give them the chance to get ready for the hardest conversation in their life. Unlike with the bond, they couldn’t just wait for Dutch to notice, not only could it take weeks, it could also make everything worse.

“What are we going to tell him?”

John moved closer to Arthur and wrapped an arm around his chest, nuzzling into his mate’s neck. Arthur purred happily and embraced him in return, being careful not to squish the belly.

“What we decided, I guess. That I will give birth but we haven’t decided yet if we’ll keep the child.” What else could they tell except that they were sorry it came to this? If they knew he was this fertile at this age, they would’ve been more careful. “This way maybe he can let us stay with the gang.”

That would be the perfect solution, they’d still have shelter, food and protection of the gang and when the time of decision would come, they’d either leave to raise the child in a safer environment or stay with Dutch and the other after finding a new home for the baby.

“What we’ll do if he won’t?”

This was what was scaring him the most.

“I don’t know.”

They had nowhere to go if they were thrown out by Dutch after their return. At least with the decision to leave the gang after the birth they’d have a couple of months before that to find a place where they could live together with their child. If they’d have to leave now, they’d have nothing except their horses and what they kept in their tent.

“We can just stay in one town, even this one, live in a hotel and after you give birth, we’ll track the gang. Or they can keep sending us letters so we would know where to find them.”

It calmed John down that Arthur had a plan in case Dutch wouldn’t want to have a pregnant omega slowing him down. He could only imagine that traveling while heavily pregnant wasn’t easy. And giving birth in a camp in the middle of the forest wasn’t the safest either. They needed a place to stay, even if just a hotel room.

“And we can stay here if we decide to keep the baby,” he proposed. “Maybe even try to make some honest work. Build a small house.”

It saddened him that they couldn’t stay in the gang even if miraculously Dutch wouldn’t have anything against it.

But the environment they lived in wasn’t meant for any child. They were risking their life constantly, their child could end up hurt because of them or they could die at any moment and orphan their baby. The last thing John would ever want for his child, or any child for that matter, was to end like him, alone and living on the streets, fighting for survival every day instead of being loved. He was lucky to survive but many weren’t as lucky as him and Arthur.

If they really decide in the end to keep the baby, they’d have no other choice, they’d have to leave the gang for good and try living a normal life. They’d love to stay in the gang, raise their child with the help of their friends but that wouldn’t be wise and Dutch would never agree to that.

Whatever they’d decide in the end, if they’d have to make that decision while living alone, Dutch would either welcome the two of them and only two with open arms, glad to have them back and ready to work for the gang again, or he’d forget they ever existed. Maybe he’d visit them sometime with the others or at least write to ask how they’re doing. They didn’t want him to forget about them just because they’d decide to be parents. They broke the rules but they were still his sons. 

Smelling his sadness, Arthur started rubbing his back and patting his hair. He started purring too, helping John to get back from the gloomy thoughts.

“We’ll be okay,” the alpha assured in a whisper.

“I know.” He kissed Arthur’s neck and raised his head to look at his face. “We’re not little children anymore, we can take care of ourselves but with the baby it’ll be hard anyway.”

“If we keep the baby, it’s because we’ll love it,” Arthur noticed, a loving smile on his face visible even in the darkness. “We’ll do anything to make it work then. I won’t give up on any of you.”

Arthur hugged him closer again. John sighed content, he could stay like this forever. “Me neither. Whatever we decide, we’re in this together.”

“Yes.”

They kissed, long and tenderly, and slow, just enjoying their closeness and sealing their promise to each other. Their hands wandered over their bodies, just feeling, connecting them even more intimately but not arousing. This wasn’t what they needed right now.

“Love you, Art,” John breathed when they had to separate for breath. He touched his mate’s cheek, looking him into the eyes before he continued. “I would be happy to have a baby with you. Maybe not now but someday in the future.”

Arthur shivered in his hold and moved closer to place a soft kiss in the corner of John’s lip before resuming the eye contact.

“Love you too.” Arthur’s voice was quiet and full of emotion. “And I would be the happiest man on Earth if you ever decide to bless me with a child.”

They fell asleep in each other’s arms like that, safe and not scared for the first time in a week.

They were going to be okay.

* * *

John should’ve expected that a nice conversation before falling asleep wouldn’t save him from vomiting at night. At least this time it didn’t take that long and he was able to get back to bed in five minutes or so. He had no idea what caused this but he’d like to know.

He and Arthur left the town the next day, deciding they wanted to camp outside of it till it was time to get back to the gang. They felt better in the wilderness when no one was bothering them. And they didn’t have to pay for the room. And no one was smoking cigarettes there, though out of habit, Arthur tried two or three times.

Mostly they just spend time in the little camp, sometimes they’d ride around or just walk. John was getting tired easily so they never wandered too far from the camp. They enjoyed their time together, it felt like one of their hunting trips or much longer heat. Getting back to Dutch and the others three days later seemed almost like a punishment.

They were going to tell the leader about pregnancy immediately, they even practiced it the night before, choosing what to say and how to make Dutch less angry than he’d definitely be. They also practiced arguments to convince the leader to let them stay in the gang during pregnancy.

All of it went to hell when they arrived, welcomed by everyone. Usually no one was getting such a welcome but because the gang believed their absence was caused by John being sick, they were curious how he was feeling.

John told them some lies about laying in bed all these days and how horrible it was. That satisfied everyone and they were left alone. Dutch, after welcoming them even more enthusiastically than everyone else, retreated to his tent and was sitting there smiling, happy that his sons were back.

Arthur and John didn’t tell him that day. They justified it with not wanting to ruin his mood. The next day, it was never the right time, that’s what they kept saying to themselves. But the truth was, they were simply terrified. And not talking was giving them more time to spend with the gang until they’d have to leave eventually.

So they kept their mouth shut and pretended nothing was wrong. If anyone heard John still vomiting some of the nights, nobody said a thing. They had time, they were telling themselves. John’s belly wasn’t visible yet and his smell hasn’t changed either.

Next day, they kept deciding when they were going to bed every night. And then they were doing it all over again. It was easier when they had to just walk around with mating marks on their necks for everyone to know.

Their cowardness lasted five days till Susan cornered them.

“I don’t know what are you playing at, boys, but you need to stop!” she hissed at them when they were dressing in their tent. 

“We’re not playing,” Arthur told her, a little agitated by the aggressiveness of another alpha.

“I’m not stupid, Mr. Morgan, you tricked everyone else but not me.” She took a few steps closer to John and swatted his hands when he was buttoning his shirt. With a yelp, he moved them away and Susan just uncovered his round belly that grew slightly bigger since the last time. “I can smell a pregnant omega from miles away.”

John quickly covered himself again but there was no use in that now. Susan knew even without seeing his belly. She said she smelled it but she probably just added every evidence together.

“What are you even thinking?” she asked them. “That no one will notice that you broke the rules? Again.”

“We’re not trying to hide it, Susan, we swear,” Arthur assured her. “We just don’t know how to tell about this.”

“And it was an accident,” John added nervously. “We didn’t plan this.”

Susan watched them carefully, trying to figure out if they weren’t lying.

“You better tell Dutch about this. He’ll decide what to do with you two.” Susan shook her head disappointed, her voice was full of it too. “You boys are breaking his heart.”

Didn’t they know it. It wasn’t something they were proud of.

“We’ll tell him,” John promised her. “Just… Just not now. Not yet.”

“If you don’t, I will,” she warned them. “You know over a week now, time to grow up and face the consequences.”

After that, she left and watched them like a hawk for the rest of the day. It even brought Dutch’s attention. When John and Arthur saw them talk, they were terrified she’d tell him now. But she didn’t. Nor the next day. Or the day after.

Two days passed and they still didn’t say a thing even though they talked about it after the conversation with Susan. They wanted to tell Dutch the same day but they bailed on it. They had no idea when Susan would tell the leader and it was only making them more scared.

Three days after their talk with Susan, when they were retiring to their tent for the night, they found Hosea waiting inside.

“So when are you going to tell him, boys?” he asked when they’re still outside.

Arthur and John quickly got inside and closed the flaps behind them.

“How do you…”

Hose interrupted him before he could finish. “Please, John, I can connect the facts.” At least Susan didn’t tell him. Hosea stood up and walked to them. “You can’t hide from him forever.”

Arthur and John shared a look before Arthur sighed. “We know,” he told Hosea. Unlike with Susan, he opened up about their fears. “We just don’t know what to do if he throws us out, Hosea. We don’t have enough money to live on our own, not for long. This is our only home.”

This wouldn’t be a problem if John wasn’t pregnant.

Hosea watched them like Susan, but instead of disappointment, there was understanding in his eyes.

“How far along are you?” he asked John and nodded at his belly.

John put his hand there but he had no idea why. Maybe it was instinct. “Tenth week.” He should be going into heat in two weeks but that wasn’t happening now.

“Not far, you can still work and earn some money. And most importantly, travel.”

They looked at their father puzzled. “Yeah, I guess,” John nodded.

“You’re going to keep it?”

“We don’t know that yet,” Arthur revealed, a little nervous of Hosea’s reaction to that. “That’s why John is still pregnant, we could’ve ended it but we decided he’ll give birth so we have more time to choose if we want to keep the child.”

“If we keep it, we’re gonna leave, Hosea,” John added. He knew their father wasn’t against them leaving to build a family of their own but John wasn’t fond of making him sad with the prospect of it.

Hosea nodded without hesitation, though the pain was visible in his eyes. He knew why they’d have to leave but it still pained him.

“Well, whatever you decide, I’ll support you, boys,” he assured them. “You give the child away, that’s fine. You want to keep it, well I’ll be happy to be its uncle. And I’m sure Dutch will be too if you give him a chance and if he won’t listen to his damn pride. That thing is gonna scare everyone away from him one day.”

“Can’t you talk to him about it?” Arthur asked hopefully. “Convince him to let us stay.”

“I don’t think he’ll listen, it’s something he has to digest on his own so don’t pack and leave after he tells you to go away at first, give him a few more days. If he won’t change his mind, I’ll help you with the money,” he promised them. It took a huge weight off their shoulders. “I think I also know the place where you could stay, either after being thrown out or after you decide to keep the child. Bessie’s cousin she was close with is an old friend of mine, he has a ranch in Texas. You would be able to live here and work for him if you tell him I sent you.”

Texas was far away but they had still time to make that trip if it’d come to that. It wasn’t a bad place to live.

“Thank you, Hosea.” They were so relieved they hugged him, Arthur grabbed him first, and John, not waiting for his turn, hugged along. Hosea coughed out of breath and patted them on their backs to make them release him.

“Alright, alright, let me go. You’re way too big now to crush me in your arms like that.”

It was true, Hosea looked fragile compared to them. When they were younger, Hosea had no problem surviving their enthusiastic hugs. 

“We don’t know what we’d do without you,” Arthur admitted when they stepped back. He was looking at Hosea with teary eyes.

“I can see that you didn’t think it through.” They both looked away ashamed when Hosea smiled teasingly. They thought they figured out everything but apparently they were wrong. Seeing how embarrassed they were – and still scared – Hosea got closer to them again and grabbed their hands in his. He made sure they were looking at him before he said more. “It’ll be okay, boys, but you have to tell him before he finds out himself. He’ll be even more angry and chances are he’ll throw you out then.”

“We don’t know how to tell him,” John said helplessly. “We thought about it, nothing sounds good.”

“And nothing will, so you better just tell it to his face and pray for the best,” Hosea advised them and squeezed their hands. “I can’t promise he won’t throw you out but maybe try acting like you need his help. Maybe that will wake up his compassion and he’ll think twice before he’ll kick out a pregnant omega.”

That was their only hope. Dutch wasn’t a bad man, he was helping those who needed help, surely he wouldn’t let a pregnant omega and his mate wander through America in search of a safe place to give birth.

With the promise of Hosea’s help and Ms. Grimshaw nagging breath on their necks, they went to see Dutch in the morning of the next day. He was drinking coffee in his tent and looked to be in a good mood, like most of these days. They were already feeling bad for having to ruin it but it was something that had to be done.

They walked to him nervously and just stood in the entrance till he noticed them. Dutch welcomed them with a smile but after seeing their worried faces, it disappeared from his face.

“Something wrong, boys?”

No turning back now. Arthur and John looked at each other and joined their shaking hands to give each other some courage. Dutch watched them silently, waiting for them to speak up. They entered further into the tent, closing it behind them to have some privacy. Not that it’d help them when Dutch would start screaming.

They were never nervous like this before, not even before revealing they mated. Back then being kicked out wouldn’t have been that bad. Now, however, they’d have to worry not only about themselves, but about the baby as well. Staying in the gang was their best chance and it was all dependent on Dutch.

John began. “Dutch…”

His throat closed on its own and the words were stuck in his throat. Dutch raised one eyebrow at them. Arthur squeezed John’s hand and John squeezed back, their bond practically glowing within them, reminding it was there, that they were going to be okay.

Still scared but with a surprising confidence, John looked straight into Dutch’s eyes and opened his mouth, the words going out easily this time.

“I’m pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for ending it like that but wiriting Dutch being angry again is boring lol. And other stories shows anyway that they boys got to stay with the gang anyway and not only for the birth ;)


End file.
